My name means blueberry in Polish. I say it about myself often, usually with the same line attached: sweet most of the time, though I can be a little sour too.

It started as a joke about my name. I have come to think the sour half is the more useful one.

The problem with a coach who is only warm

There is a version of this work that is entirely encouragement. Everything you say is valid. Every feeling is honoured. You leave each session feeling lovely and go on doing exactly what you were doing before.

It is pleasant, and it is a waste of your money.

Because most of us are not stuck for lack of encouragement. We are stuck because there is something we already know and have arranged our lives not to look at. Another hour of warm agreement helps that arrangement stay in place.

What sour actually means

Sour does not mean harsh. I am not interested in being the coach who tells hard truths and calls the resulting damage growth. That is just unkindness with better branding.

Sour means I will say the sentence you are circling. Gently, once, and then I will stop talking and let it sit there.

Usually it is something like: you have told me three times that this job is temporary, and it has been four years. Or: you keep saying you need more clarity, and I think you have plenty of clarity and are frightened of what it implies.

Sweet is how it is said. Sour is that it gets said at all.

Why both halves have to be there

Warmth without honesty is flattery, and people can feel it — they leave lighter and no different. Honesty without warmth is just criticism, and criticism makes people defend themselves rather than move.

Together they make something that is rare enough that people cry when they encounter it: being liked and being told the truth at the same time, by the same person, in the same sentence.

That is what I am trying to build in every session. Not a place where you are told you are wonderful. A place where you are told you are wonderful and that the thing you have been avoiding for four years is still there.

With Love and Light,
Jagoda